Boscaiola Pasta Recipe

“Due to popular demand (of one person, Dan.), I am putting up my recipe for Boscaiola pasta.” – Ben

[Serves ~3-4]

Ingredients:
1-2 Chicken Breast Fillets
250g Bacon
250g Mushrooms
1 Large Onion
2-3 Cloves of Garlic
1 container of Cream (~300ml or whatever the small one is)
1 teaspoon of corn flower
1 large family pack of veal tortellini (personal preference)
Parmesan cheese
Salt & Pepper

1) Cut up chicken breasts until smallish cubes (mouth sized) and cook then set aside in a bowl.
2) Boil a big pot of water for the pasta. Once boiling, add pasta (should take about 6-8 min to cook).
3) Cook diced onion, garlic until clear, then add mushrooms and bacon. Medium-High heat throughout.
4) Add cooked chicken back into the pan, add cream, stir. Season with salt and pepper.
5) In a separate small cup, mix 1-2 teaspoons of cornflower with 2-4 teaspoons of cold water. Stir until mixed (will settle if left unmixed for long).
6) Reduce heat, stir in corn flower mix, then bring back to boil, stirring. Sauce will become thicker.
7) Add some Parmesan cheese to the sauce, just enough to help thicken the sauce a bit more. (not so much that it becomes a cheese sauce).
8) Cooked pasta + Sauce = Yum.

I’ll add some pictures of it later when I cook it next.

Adjust amount of bacon/mushroom/cream to taste.

Monty Python Argument Skit

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I’d like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see, well we’ll see who’s free at the
moment.

Mr. Bakely’s free, but he’s a little bit concilliatory. No. Try
Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that…

Angry man: DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT
DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME
PUKE!

YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I’m sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh…Sorry…

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a
desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:(pause) I’ve told you once.

Man: No you haven’t!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn’t!

O: Yes I did!

M: You didn’t!

O: I did!

M: You didn’t!

O: I’m telling you, I did!

M: You didn’t!

O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I’m sorry, is this
a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five
minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely
told you!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did! (very fast)

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh look, this isn’t an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

(pause)

M: It’s just contradiction!

O: No it isn’t!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn’t!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn’t!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn’t, you came here for an *argument*!

M: An argument isn’t just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can’t!

An argument is a connected series of statement intended to
establish a proposition.

O: No it isn’t!

M: Yes it is! ’tisn’t just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary
position!

M: Yes but it isn’t just saying “no it isn’t”.

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN’T! Argument is an intellectual process.

Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the
other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

O: Not at all!

M: It is!

>DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that’s it.

M: (stunned) What?

O: That’s it. Good morning.

M: But I was just getting interested!

O: I’m sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes!!

O: I’m afraid it was.

M: (leading on) No it wasn’t…..

(pause)

O: (dirty look) I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any
more.

M: WHAT??

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for
another five minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now!

(pause… the Other Man raises his eyebrows)

Oh Come on!

Oh this is…

This is ridiculous!

O: I told you…

I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.)

There you are.

O: Thank you.

M: (clears throat) Well…

O: Well WHAT?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

O: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!

M: Well I just paid!

O: No you didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: (unable to talk straight he’s so mad) I don’t want to argue
about it!

O: Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay!

M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing???

Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!

O: (pause) No you haven’t!

M: Yes I have!

If you’re arguing, I must have paid.

O: Not necessarily.

I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

How To: Remove yourself from premium SMS services

I don’t know what kind of idiot actually signs up for those pathetic “love tester” “magic trick” or “ringtones” on your mobile. But if you ever read the fine print on those ad’s you see that they are really expensive and sign you up for some crazy and costly messages.

So basically, if you ever get stuck receiving SMS’s from those companies (which cost something like $2-5 per message received) you want to cancel it ASAP.

First, I would just reply with STOP as an SMS. That generally is the cancel subscription code.

But if that doesn’t work you can always try 19 SMS. It is a site that tracks the SMS you got and let you know who the company behind it is, and also the code to cancel the service.

Don’t purchase crappy games, or tricks from the TV. Thats just common sense.

You can make your own mobile phone ringtone’s easy enough using this little How To: guide I’ve written. Feel free to check out my other How To: posts

The sad thing about seeing those ad’s is that there must actually be people (kid’s probably) stupid enough to actually keep their dodgey business running.

Everything is coming up Milhouse

You ever have one of those days where everything just seems to go wrong? well I’m having the complete opposite today! Everything is going right!

  • Got my PC fixed (re: computer post)
  • Picked up my copy of CoD5 from EB
  • Got some awesome noodles for lunch from Wokka Wokka
  • Remembered to bring in my awesome Chorizo chili pasta for dinner
  • Probably going to have a few beers to farewell a workmate after work tonight.

Seems pretty good. That and it was a nice day when I was walking around in the city.

The best thing about today was getting my PC fixed. I have immediately backed up all my personal files that I hadn’t backed up for 7 months (photos, music, files etc). Now I can use my tablet and photoshop to do some webcomics I’ve got lined up. Watch this space.

How To: Make your own ringtones or SMS alerts for your Mobile phone

Ok, this is so easy I can’t believe people don’t know how to do it.

Basically it’s 4 steps;

  1. MP3 music (your song for the ringtone)
  2. Audacity + mp3 encoder file
  3. Select the parts of the song for your ringtone.
  4. A way to transfer files from your computer onto your phone.

1. MP3 Music
Let’s just assume you have an mp3 collection. Select the songs you want to make into ringtones. I personally like to copy and paste the mp3 files into one folder just for eases sake.

2. Audacity
Download a copy of Audacity, it a an excellent free audio file editor. Install it and make sure you also grab a copy of the MP3 encoder file so that you can open and save in mp3 format. Unzip the MP3 encoder file (called MP3 LAME) and when you load Audacity for the first time or try and save a file it will ask you for the location of the MP3 LAME folder etc. Too easy.

3. Select the parts of the song in Audacity
Open Audacity, then open up the mp3 files for the song you want. Then highlight the part of the song you want as the the ringtone. Usually the best ringtones are the intro, 1st few lines, main chorus or massive guitar solos. Then save as MP3 and name it something short (so it comes up ok on the phone). You can make a few different versions of the same song (intro, 1st lines, chrous etc) and upload them all and then pick the one that sounds the best.

4. Upload your ringtone to your phone
Basically most modern phones have the ability to transfer your files to and from my computer. Newer laptops have bluetooth built in, and that is awesome because you don’t have to muck around with cables. Basically just upload the files onto your phone, then muck around with the settings and make that mp3 file your ring tone. Depending on your phone you can set the ringtone, specific songs for specific contacts, even set SMS alerts (typically I’ve only seen this on Nokia’s, but then again I haven’t been really looking through other phone makes).

Tricks
If you find that the ringtones are too quiet, before you save your MP3 selection you can find the amplify tool in the menu. Just accept whatever change it recommends, and what this does is boost the raw volume for an mp3 file. Warning, doing this too much will distort the MP3 file.

Also, some phones work better with different formats of sound. My old Nokia used to play .AAC sounds much much louder than MP3, so always have a go converting it into other audio formats if your not happy with the sound coming out.

Now this is the way of making a ringtone properly since Audacity is a very good audio editor. There is even easier/lamer methods of doing this. There is a website where you can do all this stuff using their website, but I’ve never used it myself and not entirely sure about the quality that it produces.

I found two examples of these programs via LifeHacker (one of my favourite gadget/tech blogs)
ToneThis (a program that allows you to generate ringtones, wallpapers, etc for your mobile)
ToneShop (small program that does the above, in a less complicated and accurate fashion)

Computers

I’m sitting here writing this on my old Toshiba A20 laptop. If you can picture an old laptop that is jury rigged to function and be on the internet, that is the laptop I’m using. The keyboard no longer works, so I’m sitting here with a USB keyboard perched carefully on top of the non-functioning laptop one, which is cumbersome and wrong. The laptop also suffers from being 5-7 years old with a whopping 500mb of RAM. I can’t run anything without it struggling to function. Even as I’m typing this on word, it lags.

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[wiki fact: "Jury Rig"; refers to makeshift repairs or temporary contrivances, made with only the tools and materials that happen to be on hand. Originally a nautical term, on sailing ships a jury rig is a replacement mast and yards improvised in case of damage or loss of the original mast. The term originates around 1788, but the use of the word "Jury" to mean temporary can be dated back to 1616.]

The reason I’m using this old laptop at all is because my PC just died. It decided that turning on is too much of a hassle. So now I’ve got to try and find the warranty for it and get it fixed. Luckily after having my PC die on me numerous times before I’m pretty well prepared for it. I run external harddrives that have a backup of all my important information. Alas, my ipod music and photos won’t be on there because I haven’t backed up that information in awhile. Hopefully it was just the motherboard or the power converter or something that can be swapped out without too much problem.

I’m also annoyed because the beta for Call of Duty 5: World at War expired last night. While it is to be expected that they would disable it upon the retail version being released for sale, I’m annoyed I can’t play it for a day and that all my information is deleted. Basically I leveled up to Level 36, over 18 hours of gameplay, and had unlocked a whole heap of perks and guns. I also had become extremely dangerous, with a K/D ratio of at least +6 each game (meaning that on average, I killed 6 people for every time I died). The game comes out tomorrow, and I’m getting the collectors edition. That will give me a level 45 gun and double EXP for 72 hours (which will really help in recovering my rank). I’m curious to see how the campaign mode is. Generally the campaigns in Call of Duty are very entertaining, and provide some good practise before getting into the online multiplayer.

It almost seems poetic that my PC died after I bought Red Alert 3. This might actually be the only game I have been completely disappointed in (beyond Spore). I was really looking forward to this as a long time C&C or Red Alert fan. The game is too cartoony and lacks depth. I will be returning the game under EB’s 7 day trial period offer. I would rather use the $120 (game and guide) towards CoD5 or the new Guitar Hero.

The new guitar hero looks awesome. I’ll have to invest in the entire kit though. Drums, microphone, etc. It will cost a small fortune (something like $330), and the box is massive. I’ll need to put it in my ute.

[walk around Sydney CBD, visit Sony Store to look at new laptop]

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Ok, basically I’ve been drooling over this Sony Vaio laptop and went in to the Sony Store in the city to check their prices and buy one that instant if I liked it. They had one, but then I noticed you can upgrade the RAM from 2GB to 4GB for $99. But the store is currently out of RAM and would take 3 weeks to get it in. I noticed that the next model up had the 4GB already installed, had double the cache memory and 100GB larger harddrive, but was bundled with a Sony Mobile Phone. I asked if they could sell just that model of laptop, without the phone (as I have a phone, don’t want another one, don’t want to pay more money for one etc) and they said no. They would not sell just the laptop. So I walked out.

Also as an awesome extra, EB allowed me to return Red Alert 3 with the game guide! they normally don’t return the game guides, but the guy working there was cool and realised that it was still in mint condition and that I was pissed off at the game. So I got stuck the money from the return to pay off my collector’s edition of Cod5, and I got $20 back! So basically I got rid of a shitty game for one that will be completely awesome.

[update ~8:00pm: added wiki fact]
[update 12:41am: added photos of old laptop]

How To: Play Videos on your ipod

most modern ipod’s have the ability to play videos, but the trick is that they only play specific formats. They can’t handle the standard AVI, DivX, Xvid codecs, and loading those onto your ipod won’t work.

So you download the FREE IPOD VIDEO CONVERTER and then convert all your movie files (tv shows etc) into .mp4 format, and then put THOSE onto your ipod via itunes, and it will work!

Enjoy.

Resistance is futile, We are the borg

“We are the Borg. Lower your iPods and surrender your iTunes. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. We are Nikon-Borg. Resistance is futile.”

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Take a look at the latest portable media player from Nikon, the Media Port UP. It is way too similar to Star Trek’s infamous Borg. It has up to 120min of continuous video playback or up to 270 minutes of music. 4 or 8GB harddrive and somehow can handle internet browsing.

I want to see the looks you’d get walking down the city or catching the train wearing one of these. People would be afraid I think. Costs 59,800 Yen.

More information from NIKON

Some Borg Pictures – Typical Image of Borg:
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Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan) from Star Trek: Voyager:
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My Wishlist

Here in no particular order are the material possessions I currently desire;

iPod Touch 32GB ($530)

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I am over my original iPod Video 30gb. Its screen is too small to watch movies/tv shows properly. That’s where the latest version of iPod comes in. I am torn between this and getting an iPhone, but ultimately, the iPhone isn’t what I’d want in its current state (not enough battery/storage).

Bose Quiet Comfort 2 ($499)

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The ultimate noise cancelling headphones. Sure I’d look like a bit of a weirdo on the train wearing them, but then again, I wouldn’t be able to hear anything besides whatever I’m listening to on my iPod. They are much cheaper to buy over in the states and have shipped over than purchased retail here in Australia. The only downside to these are that they require batteries to function, and without a charge they don’t work.

Sony Vaio Laptop (model VGNZ27GNX) ($2999)

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Ah. My dream laptop, small and light enough to carry around, while still powerful enough to do everything I want. It was going to be excellent if I got into med, but basically it would suffice until I get in next year. I would have to invest in the additional $300 extended battery option too I think.

Video Games (That I will Buy myself):

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Guitar Hero: World Tour
Since I’ve been such a huge fan of Guitar Hero 3, its not surprising I’m keen to get the latest “rock band” version. The track list is impressive, and the ability to create custom songs is interesting.

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Call of Duty: World at War (CoD5)
Another love of mine is playing CoD4 on 360 online. So much fun. I was lucky to be part of the initial Beta testing of the game, not the fully open part they now have. It was fun to suggest changes, point out flaws etc. Should be a fun game online.
I’ve pre-ordered the collectors edition (level 65 machine gun unlocked and 72 hours of double EXP online, oh yea!).

DVDs:

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Dark Knight
Why so serious? The best movie of the year, of course I’d own it.

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Tropic Thunder
Probably one of the funniest movies of 2008, if you ignore Ben Stiller.

So there we have it, my list of things I would like. Santa?

woooo….

Finally, a gadget screen you can view in direct sunlight!

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Everyone knows it is impossible to read your phone/laptop/ipod in direct sunlight. You need to have some shade, cover it with your hand to view whats going on. That is annoying, and with cameras and phones and such, impractical.

These clever people have invented a new technology called “Photo Find High Reflect (HR) transflective amorphous silicon TFT (a-TFT) LCD”. Basically what it works like a normal screen, using the backlight to view in normal situations, but in sunlight, it reflects that light to light up the screen.

Funky and potentially awesome, can’t wait for it to be implemented into everything :D

The clever japanese inventors, thanks go to http://dvice.com/archives/2008/10/finally_a_scree.php

Rapid Fire Laser-aimed Pepperball shooter, muuhahaha!

Pow, right in the kisser!

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Look at this nasty new addition to the world of non-lethal weapons.

The FlashLauncher shoots pepperballs with laser-guided accuracy to take down your foes.

Not only does it come with a flashlight and laser aiming, but it can fire 5 balls rapidly so you can spray your enemies in pepperballs!

It also weighs 2.2 pounds, so when you run out of pepperballs, and your foe is blinded and helpless, feel free to bash them with it. lol.

First seen at WIRED.com, thanks to DVICE

100 Things I’d Do if I Were To Become an Evil Overlord

“I wish I had come up with this, but its originally from here.” – Ben

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
  17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
  20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
  26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
  27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
  31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
  34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
  35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
  37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
  38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
  40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
  42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
  43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
  44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
  45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
  46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
  47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
  50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
  51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
  52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
  54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
  55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
  56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
  57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
  58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
  59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
  60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
  61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
  62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
  64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
  65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
  66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
  67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
  69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
  70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
  73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
  76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
  77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
  78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”
  79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
  80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
  83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
  85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
  86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
  87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
  88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
  89. After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
  90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
  91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
  92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
  93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
  94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
  95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
  96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
  98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
  99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
  100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.